An elderly Polish man tried to murder me, and other updates from the weekend

Over the weekend I had the fortunate experience of meeting my maker, so to speak. I was leaving the beach on a beautiful 80 degree day, when a senior citizen made a damn good attempt at ending my life immediately. Would anyone miss me? Alas, we would not find out because of my otherworldly reflexes, as I somehow noticed the man on a suicide mission for a nearby parking lot (I was in a rotary). He darted across two lanes of traffic to find only my Sonata in harm’s way. I narrowly avoided the accident entirely, swerving enough to evoke only minor damage. He is trying to get insurance involved, but I have witnesses. Who will win? Time will tell. Spoiler alert: Me, unless the (insurance) justice system is also extremely flawed.

Also, it should be known that the daring, hearing and vision impaired senior tried to make off with my license. We were trying to be civil and exchange information (don’t know why he felt he needed my license, or why I gave it to him) and he made a beeline for his car as soon as I asked for his registration. Luckily, I was able to use my track speed to hunt him down and brute strength to pry it out of his wily hands. I sincerely wish I was making this up.

I will use this in court if need be.

UAB Reinstates Its Football Team Due To My Journalistic Excellence

UAB has announced the reinstatement of their football program after only a 6 month hiatus. This comes after much scrutiny from students, alumni and virtually everyone besides those on the UAB Board. The decision was further questioned after details came out about the profitability of the program after claims from  President Ray Watt of their supposed deficit were exaggerated. The Blazers still have a long road back after missing their spring game and surely losing a few coaches and transfers along the way.

I wrote about it roughly a month ago:

The Finals in both the NBA and NHL are set.

Lebron’s Cleveland Cavaliers will take on the Steph Curry’s Golden State Warriors after the Conference Finals saw 1 loss between the two teams.

Meanwhile in the NHL, both series went to 7 games, with the Tampa Bay Lightning and Chicago Blackhawks advancing. The latter defeated my beloved Ducks to much chagrin.

Oh, and the Red Sox are still terrible.

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