Why I Hope Patrick Kane Is Guilty

I love sports, hockey being one of them. And as much as I have a Bruins bias, I can surely admit that Patrick Kane is one of the funnest players in the NHL to watch. That being said, he also holds the title of giant douche, or world-renowned ass clown. Only the latest in a string of behavioral problems in his young career (he’s 26) which include assaulting a cab driver, getting kicked out of two bars and a frat party and attempting to choke a girl all in the same weekend at Wisconsin, and now our current situation (a rape investigation).

I’m actually not in the mood to dwell on young athletes’ irresponsibility and arrogance and general disregard for authority and the rules literally everyone else on the planet has to adhere to. There’s a reason even college athletes account for a significantly higher number of campus rapes than the average student, so imagine a young pro athlete. Only magnifies the problem in terms of money, fame and sheer admiration. Case in point, from reading about Kane’s drunkenness during his weekend stupor at Wisconsin, one Deadspin tipster noted that he got kicked out of one frat party and proceeded to go to an adjacent frat and hangout. No one cares that he just choked a girl across the street minutes ago (although they probably didn’t know) but they’re still not going to miss out on the opportunity to take selfies with Patrick Kane!

Click Here for Next Level Douchebaggery

Forgetting all of Kane’s past transgressions and shifting our attention to the current one, in which he hasn’t been charged but is being investigated for an alleged rape, I sincerely hope he is found guilty. This is a kid that clearly just doesn’t get it. We live in a world of 24/7 news and social media which makes it much easier to find out who at least appears to be a nice guy and who is a total dickhead. Kane pretty clearly falls into the latter category, as virtually every testimonial from Wisconsin will show. Oh, but he was blackout! Well yeah, but that is your truest self is it not? Some people may become dicks when blackout, but I prefer to think that peoples’ personalities are only magnified in terms of excessive alcohol use.

Do less.
Do less.

So aside from rape, we can probably add rehab as a desired location for Kane. Don’t blame me Hawks fans even the organization wants him to seek counseling, or did. And no, you can’t seek counseling for raping someone, there’s actually no cure to being a terrible person. As the larger issue of rape and big-time athletes can be expected to take center stage, it’s an issue that’s not going away. Ever. It’s as likely to stop happening as ESPN is to cease to exist. And that’s what it would take after all. The only way would be for our athletes to not be idolized to a degree where regardless of what they do, women will still want to be around them. Remember when Kobe was accused of raping that girl in Colorado? All he did was hold a press conference and buy his wife a $1 million dollar ring. Sorry honey. All good. Alright cool.

Regardless of if Kobe raped said female (as always the details are murky) the point is the same. Pro athletes are never said no to and can’t handle the thought of a girl turning them down. Are you kidding I’m (insert name)–cough–insert extremely long Excel spreadsheet that is still loading because it’s just a very large file, OK? The problem leading up to them being denied is one of human nature. Most of us don’t have this reality, but when a girl is all over you, she becomes less attractive and no one likes desperation. So, if you’re a pro athlete and every girl ever wants you and chases you around you’re going to start looking for girls who look uninterested in your presence. You can woo them right? You’re (insert name). Nope, that’s just genuine disinterest you’re seeing. You’re just another drunk idiot at the bar to her.

As for Kane, I don’t hope he’s found guilty because of his past or because I dislike him. I just hope that a precedent is set that although you probably won’t be convicted, you at least can be even as a star athlete. One of the biggest names in the NHL serving hard time? I think that would make a random frat bro at (insert school) think twice before raping a girl, if thinking is an option to begin with. To add in a touch of realism every now and again, he may not even get charged and the road to conviction would be a very arduous and unlikely one.

Also allow me to say I only hope he’s found guilty if he actually committed the crime. Which, let’s be honest he probably did. Not speaking for him, but instances of girls lying in rape cases are staggeringly low (hovers around 8%). However when we get to pro athletes and celebrities everyone wants to throw around the “fame whore” angle. To that I would say, isn’t that what a trophy wife is? Wouldn’t that be an easier path? I get that there are girls out there hell-bent on destroying an athlete or celebrity’s reputation while making a quick payday, but I still find that to be an oversimplified and exaggerated notion.

The saddest part when it comes to sports is, it becomes bigger than the player. What? We’re not gonna have him this year? How are we gonna win the (insert trophy)? Or, but I loved seeing him play… there’s no way he could’ve done it. I remember embodying this ridiculous mindset when Aaron Hernandez was initially charged and arrested for the murder of Odin Lloyd. The player becomes just a memory on a screen, someone who bought you a distant, flickering moment of happiness. I thought of the “make it rain” gesture Hernandez would do after hauling in touchdown passes from Brady? Am I really never gonna see that again?

It’s sad but we all think it. No different from a musician. Many girls like how Chris Brown’s music makes them feel. So after Rihanna was badly beaten by him did his ticket sales go down? Quite the contrary. The rationale can then become, am I going to deny myself an experience to see one of my favorite artists because he beat up his girlfriend? Which then, becomes kind of fair, honestly. We want what we want. Chris Brown beats up girls? Well I still like his music. Tiger had affairs with every waitress east of the Mississippi? Well I still want to see him play golf. Hernandez murdered (3?) people? I kind of honestly lost track. Well I still want to see him play…. no he belongs behind bars.

In what will appear to be unrelated  I was watching Bill Simmons’ BS Report with Seth Meyers the other night and an interesting point was made about celebrities and some of them being prima donna-esque. Simmons was baiting Meyers into talking about some controversy regarding Justin Bieber backstage during his SNL tenure. Meyers didn’t elaborate but offered this gem, which he admitted to hearing elsewhere: “Famous people who are assholes were probably assholes when they weren’t famous.” Touché.

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