It is with great pride that I announce the upcoming Fantasy Draft I will be partaking in alongside a group of lovable losers. With a commissioner who couldn’t have possibly gone to any more than four classes a semester, a few midgets, idiots, hashtag lovers/cat photoshoppers, a couple of hockey-crazed Canadians and a married man; it’s going to be an interesting year.
This is a year in which our league will span our great nation, a league that’s been to China and back. From sea to shining sea we will be represented with two in Cali and two in Boston with no guarantee an East Coast-West Coast gangsta [white boy] rap battle won’t go down. North Carolina, I think Virginia, and Puerto Rico will also be represented. Making this, yes, a bilingual bloodbath.
After last year’s failed attempt to hold an in-person draft with one unlucky bystander on Facetime (me) in which everyone got piss drunk within the first four rounds, things look to be coming into focus this year. It also should be noted that there is no other explanation for drafting DeAngelo Williams in the fourth round other than having drunk people yell at you from 800 miles away while you have no goddamn idea what round you’re in or who’s even off the board.
Oh, and I hate to ruin it but for everyone who does 1,100 mock drafts the draft literally doesn’t matter. Yes, Jeremy physically can’t win but that’s because he first picks around the same time the defending Super Bowl champ does. And this is Fantasy. So…
The picks are as follows:
- JFed (from Jeremy)
- Matt F
- Mike
- Jfed (da fuck?)
- Harry
- Christopher Gokart
- Shely
- Me, myself and I
- Jack
- Stamper
Due to unforeseeable circumstances, Jeremy will first pick at #20. Ouch.
Other fun facts:
Our Commissioner has never been to the playoffs.
Midget porn is frequented as a chosen team avatar (has occurred more than once).
I like to do what I call “dumpster diving” in which I start the year 6/7-1/2 only to fall in to a deep and heavy tailspin and barely make/miss the playoffs.
The best ways used to award draft order, ranked:
- Breathalyzer during pregame (wasn’t even in the league yet, but I’m a team player. Also there’s no way in hell Ely would win if he was tall enough to get on rides at Disney World.)
- Picking characters on Big Brother ( I never even watched but was told my character was hot and banged hot people.)
- Kentucky Derby (Last year’s… Disappointment. Fucking horses.)
There are usually anywhere from 2-4 at length.. features? Pieces? Not sure what to call them written throughout the year, talking shit about another player in very personal, very graphic terms where talk of mothers, decapitation and various barn animals (separately, that’d be weird) are commonplace.
Oh, forgot about pony porn gifs. Damn, you guys are fucked up.
Either way, someone who isn’t Harry (lol) or Cozart will probably win. But please not McGravy again. The McGravy Train still haunts my dreams and you’re also not allowed to have a happy marriage and win your fantasy league. Pretty sure that’s a fact.
Words can’t describe the resentment and discontent I feel knowing that, even if I draft Luke Kuechly early again I won’t be able to hear “Fuuuuuuuck! Noooooooo!” “God, Kuechly you’re so goooood!!! Why?!!” And see a full-on roid raging Stamper tackle the shit out of Harry because I was not there to beat down on.
Also, I saw the trophy. Good for lookin out, bros. May the best man win.
This post was deemed league sanctioned by the Commissioner and went through the formal approval process as stated in the by-laws.