I want everyone to know how terrible my laptop is. Don’t worry, it’s fun to talk about.

This is a public service announcement and is for the greater good of society at large.

I own a Lenovo. I already regret those words, but writing them doesn’t change the fact that I bought it a little less than a year ago. To those curious, I am lazy and thought it would be more convenient to buy a laptop online after my college laptop of 5 years was finally put to rest (shit the bed). Cutting to the chase I am dog shit at making decisions and am not as tech savvy as a millennial should be. Couple that with being the baby of the family and having my older brother be the longstanding IT director of my family led me to my current state.

I did do my research, or what I could, I guess. When not in person, it truly is difficult to ascertain what laptop is better when using prices, data, etc. to compare while simultaneously wondering what the fuck a gigabyte is. Most of you Mac lovers probably could tell me next to nothing about how powerful your laptop is or what its features really are/mean. But I’m not here to get into brand recognition.

The truth is that one major factor in a laptop purchase is functionality. Holy shit, it’s fucking terrible. My trackpad has no separating bar, much like a Mac. But oh my god, it is so bad. Like, so bad you guys. It is absurdly easy to right click when trying to click on something, even when you are all the way to the left on the trackpad. Multiple attempts to click (if not more) is commonplace in my sad and unfortunate reality I call life.

Another thing that’s just fucking dumb, literally no other way to say it is the on/off/restart settings. This is one of the things you try to describe and someone says, do you know how to use a laptop? Did you not grow up with a desktop and/or did you grow up on a farm not all too different from the one in Field of Dreams. No, I did not and no, Kevin Costner is not my father.

That being said I will now attempt to explain. I guess it’s the “sleep” setting, but it has to be the most confusing and frustrating sleep setting I’ve ever come across. It’s also at this time I would like to fess up about my computer abuse? Is that a thing? Because I’ve seriously hit this thing more than I’ve hit anything in my whole life. Smack it upside the head most days that end in y.

This is how the “sleep” setting works, from what I can understand. Like most laptops, after an extended period of no activity even if the screen itself is not closed shut, it will go dark to conserve energy. Makes enough sense right? Well here’s where Lenovo’s gonna fuck you up. Just blow your mind. When this happens, (deep breath, channels peace and forgiveness within) the screen not only goes dark but the power button does not indicate that it is on. No light. With every laptop ever, no light = no power. Not in this house.

Another important factor here and by far the worst feature of all. Tapping the trackpad doesn’t get you to the login screen. It does nothing. You have to tap the power button, half the time resulting in a restart. The only good to come from this dire situation is that the boot up is pretty quick and death is always an option. But this is only some of the time, as sometime it will let you click and get to the login screen. Which leads me to believe that there is both a fully and semi-unconscious state to my Lenovo’s sleep mode. Isn’t that great to learn? Truly special, it is.

After this experience you can bet your bottom dollar I will be buying my next laptop in person, or never again and will live the rest of my life in seclusion in a dark cave. And caves are only dark at night, right? Oh, and buying Microsoft Office what’s that about? Nothing on my laptop when I buy it? I could’ve sworn our home desktops came with some software. Damn it, Gateway. That makes sense. So does Lenovo not have software? Guess not, but that’s fine. It probably shouldn’t have laptops either. Until then, I’m just waiting for it to die a slow and fiery death.

Just Google “Lenovo awful sleep mode setting”. I sure did, and it made me feel better.

Pearl Harbor was one thing, this was just uncalled for.

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