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The Field is Set for March Madness: How About an All-Name Team

Selection Sunday came and went and with it we have the 64 (now 68) teams for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, colloquially known as March Madness.

I watched very little college basketball this year, perhaps the least amount I’ve ever watched. However, I’m not concerned as my March Madness brackets’ success has always had a negative correlation with how many games and how much attention I actually paid to that year’s crop of teams.

But this year I won’t pretend to know anything about the teams. What I can do is provide an all-name team, which big-time college basketball never disappoints on.

Admiral Schofield – Guard, Tennessee (the name projects command and an air of invincibility, like someone you’d only read about in a history textbook)

Rui Hachimura – Forward, Gonzaga (he’s Japanese but still)

Zion Williamson – Guard, Duke (because who doesn’t want to be named Zion)

Tyler Herro – Guard, Kentucky (maybe not that interesting, but I will never not picture a girl trying to be cute with her boyfriend and saying “herro” on FaceTime)

Cassius Winston – Guard, Kentucky (because the name Cassius will never get old)

Naz Reid – Forward, LSU (finally a man who spells Nas like it sounds)

Kansas has two nominees:

Lagerald Vick, Guard (put “La” in front of anyone’s name and I’m in)

Udoka Azubuike, Center (he’s a 7’1″ Nigerian forced to spend his days in Kansas… how is that not a reality show)

Nickeil Alexander-Walker – Guard, Virginia Tech (hyphenated names for the win, don’t care how you get ’em. Also that’s a hell of a way to spell Nick)

Sacar Anim – Forward, Marquette (it’s like soccer before you learn how to spell)

Quinndary Weatherspoon – Mississippi State, Guard (maybe I relate because I so often find myself in a Quinndary… could also be a local dairy shop. A lot of potential here)

Iowa State also managed to get a couple:

Marial Shayok – Guard (you were so close to being named a middle-aged woman in suburbia who calls the cops any time the neighborhood kids gather, the last name makes a massive recovery, an upset you could say)

Tyrese Haliburton – Guard (I don’t think you’re in cahoots with Dick Cheney but we will never know, leaving you on the list for precautionary measures)

Jazz Johnson – Guard, Nevada (I sincerely hope you get drafted by the Jazz. I would never say another word, but I can’t promise the same from ESPN. Sorry in advance. “Did you know the Utah mascot is?” Yikes.)

Breein Tyree – Guard, Ole Miss (it’s like you’re parents were trying to say, “he’s just bein’ Tyree, that’s what we’ll name him” and were too tired in the operating room. Or it was a bein’ and Breezy combination which I cannot rule out)

Tacko Fall – Center, UCF (Tacko Fall sounds like a landmark you would go visit, which I would definitely visit. He is also 7’6″ but I promise that wasn’t part of the joke)

King McClure – Guard, Baylor (I’m starting to wonder about these kids and genetic testing. I guess you just know a winner when you see one? King is a tough act to follow regardless of hunches.)

Luguentz Dort – Guard, Arizona State (brings me back to the Disney movie.. I think I just stepped in some Gunther. The guy had a paper route, I forget the movie. Luguentz Dort. I would guess every nationality and still be wrong)

Ja Morant – Guard, Murray State (Ja has had virtually all of his dunks this year go viral, but more importantly he can just walk around saying “ja feel” whenever anyone says anything to him)

Shamorie Ponds – Guard, St. John’s (such a peaceful name, just rolls off the tongue. A zen garden, I picture)

Bol Bol – Center, Oregon (because duh, and I could’ve actually learned my signature if that were my name)

And now I am at the point where I conclude there are far too many teams in the tournament. Hash tag hot take. And where I realize this was a foolish endeavor, but I must soldier on.

Rapolas Ivanauskas – Forward, Colgate (I’m a sucker for a long name that I won’t pronounce correctly on the first try. It’s the closest I’ll get to learning another language)

Miye Oni – Guard, Yale (Miye is not at the center of the collegiate bribe scandal. He does not know Lori Loughlin or any of her associates. He is also on this list through his own merits)

Vasa Pusica – Guard, Northeastern (Nothing like rounding out the list with a Serbian in my own backyard)

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